Posted in Jokes, Funnies, Laughing

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Old Penny Pincher

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.

On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”

*****

His personal check!  Niiiice!  lolol

Have a great weekend! 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Things Kids Say

1. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2. On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3. A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of its glass jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it.

‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now,’ she said. ‘She’s hitting the bottle.’

4. It was the end of my shift and I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

5. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my rounds. She was always fascinated by people’s canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

    One day I saw her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

6. Walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a shoebox, lined it with tissue, then dug a hole to dispose of the deceased.

    The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers. With all the dignity he could muster, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

7. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

8. A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

*****

Kids are the funniest of all! 

Have an amazing weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Never Felt Better

In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: ‘At the scene of the accident, Mr O’Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?’

O’Brien the old farmer: ‘That’s right, sir.’

Lawyer: ‘Well then, Mr O’Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?’

O’Brien the farmer: ‘When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.’

*****

Context matters! 

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Leaving The Vatican

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

“Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

*****

I guess it’s all in how you look at things.

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Men vs. Women

WOMEN:

       – Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

       – Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

       – Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

       – A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

       – Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

       – The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

       – They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:

       – Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.

*****

Everyone has their place in life! 

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Senior Wisdom

“The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because by that time your body and your fat are really good friends.”

*****

I’d never want to come between friends!

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Not Really Repentance

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 [knowing my own hidden secrets] and Psalm 52:3-4 [lies and deceit], a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $350.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.

*****

I confess, I kind of like the man’s style, lol.  😉

Have an epic weekend! 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Pig!

Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way.

Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down, rolled down his window and shouted “Pig!”.

Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie…

Then his car hit the pig.

*****

This just hit my funny bone and cracked me up.  🙂 

Have a great weekend!

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