Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

 

The Master of the House

 

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door.

A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something.

“I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely.

“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

*****

Y’know, it’s a new couple thing.  😉  We all get it worked out eventually.  😉

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Will you see the punch line coming?

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
The man said: “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
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Wait for it
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His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

*****

Ha, you knew that was coming, right?  😀

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Squeezer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried … over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence … as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon … and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the IRS.”

*****

Hahahahaha!

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Who Reads Newspapers?

–The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

–The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

–The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

–USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.

–The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

–The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

–The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.

–The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

–The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.

–The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

–The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don’t think is part of the country.

*****

This make me chuckle!

Have an epic weekend! 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Letter

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from one envelope, he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.”

The Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter that someone signed but forgot to write the letter.”

 

Church Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

*****

This is why moms and dads need to make sure they’re on the same page!  lol

Have a terrific weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

 

One Letter Makes A Big Difference

 

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

*****

I suspect a lot of us feel we’ve gotten an email from Hell at one time or another.  😉

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Joke of the day

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…let’s say ten?”

“A jack”

*****

*snort*  Yep, daddy taught him well!  lol

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Advice from An Old Farmer

– Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

– Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

– Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

– A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

– Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

– You cannot unsay a cruel word.

– Every path has a few puddles.

– When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

– Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

– Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

– Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

– Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

– Always drink upstream from the herd.

– Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

– Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

– If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

– Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

– Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

*****

I tell you, those old farmers know a thing or two!

Have a lovely weekend!

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