A recent transplant to the mountains of North Carolina writes: The folks around these parts have a peculiarity that drives me nutty. You ask them an “either/or” question, and their answer is– “That’ll be fine!”
I asked a lady the other night who was coming through my register at Wal-Mart, “Ma’am, would you like your milk in a bag or not?”
“That’ll be fine,” was her reply.
I looked quizzically at her, and asked, “Does that mean ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”
“I said that that’ll be fine,” was her answer. Since I was holding it up in my hand, out of a bag, I decided to assume that “that” in this case meant “that naked jug of milk that you’re holding in your hand, not in a bag.”
This feeling was further reinforced by a slight nod of the head towards the jug just as she said the word “that’ll.” I set the jug in the buggy without putting it in a sack.
“I said I wanted it in a bag,” she complained. “You want me to shout it or write it down for you?
“That’ll be fine!” I replied.
*****
This one always cracks me up! I’ve known people like that! lol
Have a lovely weekend!
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn’t play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, “Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!”
G-d replied, “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: “G-d, this is how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”
“Sure,” said G-d, “but who’s he going to tell?”
*****
I love this one! I can just see the Lord doing something like that, too. 😉 lol
Have a wonderful weekend!
In front of the local butcher’s, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector’s item.
He strolled into the store and offered ten dollars for the cat.
‘He’s not for sale’, said the butcher.
‘Look’, said the collector’, that cat is dirty and scabby, but I’m an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to twenty-five dollars’.
‘It’s a deal’, said the proprietor, and pocketed the money immediately.
‘For that amount of money I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer’, said the connoisseur’, ‘The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.
”I can’t do that’, said the butcher firmly, ‘That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I’ve sold 18 cats”
*****
Never try to scam the scam artist! lol
Have an epic weekend!
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
*****
His personal check! Niiiice! lolol
Have a great weekend!
1. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
2. On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
3. A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of its glass jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it.
‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now,’ she said. ‘She’s hitting the bottle.’
4. It was the end of my shift and I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
5. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my rounds. She was always fascinated by people’s canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I saw her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
6. Walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a shoebox, lined it with tissue, then dug a hole to dispose of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers. With all the dignity he could muster, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
7. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
8. A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
*****
Kids are the funniest of all!
Have an amazing weekend!
In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: ‘At the scene of the accident, Mr O’Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?’
O’Brien the old farmer: ‘That’s right, sir.’
Lawyer: ‘Well then, Mr O’Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?’
O’Brien the farmer: ‘When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.’
*****
Context matters!
Have a great weekend!
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?
“Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
*****
I guess it’s all in how you look at things.
Have an epic weekend!
Vanessence 