Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Last Wishes

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “Ha! All Mr. Big had was a paper route!”

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Ha!  For a minute I thought it was going to have something to do with the game Monopoly.  🙂

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Doctor, is there any hope?

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialized. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

‘Jenny,’ he gasped, ‘it’s happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn’t straighten up. I can’t lift my head.’

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, ‘Is there any hope, doc?’

‘Well,’ the GP replied, ‘it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.’

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*snort*

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Best way to get rid of rats!

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their rats. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the rats were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the rats had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the rats drown themselves. The rats liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many rats showed up the following week

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their rats and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the rats returned. Seems the Baptists had taken down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the rats and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter!

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first rat and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a rat since!

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Now that’s how it’s done!  lolol

Have a fantastic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Young Minister

A young minister about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.

“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the cleric told him. “For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'”

He smiled at the young minister’s shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”

The next Sunday the minister nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”

He was pleased at the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

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Oh my gosh, that’s just the kind of thing that happens to me! The mind goes on vacation and decides not to tell me, hahaha!

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Boring Pastor

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please.” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good”, he answered.

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*snort*  Smart man!  lol

Have a fun weekend!

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