Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Knock, Knock

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, ” I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see whose at the door.”

*****

An oldie but a goodie! 

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies

Funnies

The Hereafter

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.”

She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

*****

I can vouch that you don’t need to be 80 years old to do this! 

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies

Funnies

The Pastor and His Son

About 10 minutes into his sermon a pastor noticed his young son was in the balcony with a pea-shooter.

The lad was leaning over the balcony – aiming, and popping people in the head.

As the pastor was about to publicly scold his boy – the 7 year old hollered out, “You keep preaching dad. I’ll keep ‘em awake”

*****

Oh my goodness!  Front row center for this boy from now on!  lol

Have a lovely weekend!  First of Spring!  Enjoy!

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Posted in Funnies

Funnies

Dreaming of Diamonds

On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace.  What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening just before opening presents, the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

*****

Well now there you go.  Although, I would like to know what bookstore that man found open on Christmas.  😉

Have an amazing weekend!

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Posted in Funnies

Funnies

On a trip to Russia

Four  Americans spies find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bunk mates about how the Russians will bug everything, and they listen to every word said anywhere. His roommates argued that although the Russians were careful they couldn’t listen to everything. The first man said, “I’ll prove it, Hello Commodore, can we get 4 cups of tea?” not a minute passed and there is a knock on the door with the tea cart delivering tea.

The rest of the evening the other 3 men were very quiet and nervous. As morning rolled around the first man found he was the only one in the room. Opening the door he found a Russian guard outside the door. “Do you know what happened to my bunkmates? he asked.

“Secret police came in night, and took them because they are spies, you are free to go.” the Russian replied.

“Why did they leave me?” he asked curiously.

“Commodore liked your joke about the tea.”

*****

*snort*  Okay, now this was funny.  😀

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

House Sitting

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked “How’s my cat?”

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

“What?! You shouldn’t have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me the cat is on the roof and won’t come down. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died,” explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked “How’s my Granny?”

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. “Well, she’s on the roof and won’t come down.

*****

That Lenny is a fast learner!

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Pet Fish and The Game Warden

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take ’em home. We do this every night.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey,” said the warden. “Fish can’t do that!”

“No, really! says the man. “Here, I’ll show you.” And he releases the fish in the lake.

“Well, I’ve GOT to see this!” the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man asked.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden huffs.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?”

*****

Hahaha!  Must be smarter than suspect, Grasshopper!

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Note

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. after a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote:

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”

*****

This just cracked me up!  😀

Have a great weekend and an awesome Valentine’s Day!

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