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Hearing Better Now

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

 

*****

Sounds like a pretty wise man, to me! 

Have a lovely weekend!

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Funnies

Yardwork

Simon’s mower motor had finally given up the ghost. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn’t getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.

Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush. ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,’ said Simon ungraciously.

 

*****

You know where the surgeon eventually found those scissors and toothbrush, right?  😉

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Golf Complaints

Four senior golfers hit the course, some of them with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!”

 

*****

Yeah, things look a little different on the root side of the grass! 

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Biologist and the Frog

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump.

He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, “Jump, frog, jump!” The frog jumped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, “Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.” Then he cut the frog’s front legs off.

Again he ordered, “Jump, frog, jump!” The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.

After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with two legs jumped three feet.” Next, the biologist cut off the frog’s back legs.

Once more, he shouted, “Jump, frog, jump!” The frog just lay there. “Jump, frog, jump!” the biologist repeated. Nothing.

The biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with no legs – lost its hearing.”

 

*****

Sometimes, this seems pretty typical with the state of things!  Maybe we just have too many biologists running around!  😉

Have a fantastic weekend!

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Funnies

Quantas Mechanics and Pilots

The claim is made that after every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a ‘gripe sheet’ to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

The following are maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a ‘P’) and the solutions recorded (marked by an ‘S’) by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humor:

———-

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

———-

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

———-

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

———-

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back order.

———-

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Can’t reproduce problem on the ground.

———-

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

———-

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

———-

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

———-

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

———-

P: Suspect crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

———-

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

———-

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

———-

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

———-

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed in cockpit.

———-

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

*****

These always make me laugh out loud!  If they’re not true, they ought to be! 

Have a terrific weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Groaners Anyone?

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.  These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer?  It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One was painted red.  One was painted blue.  They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

*****

Oh how punny!  lol

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Writer’s Block

I was helping my 8 year old write a paper for school. We had writer’s block so I suggested we find a thesaurus. She laughed at me and said, “Good luck! They’ve been extinct for millions of years.”

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LOL  This one needs a *rimshot*.  😀

Although, with the current state of the language now days, that kid just may be right!  😉

Have a terrific weekend!

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