Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Knock, Knock

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, ” I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see whose at the door.”

*****

An oldie but a goodie! 

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

House Sitting

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked “How’s my cat?”

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

“What?! You shouldn’t have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me the cat is on the roof and won’t come down. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died,” explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked “How’s my Granny?”

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. “Well, she’s on the roof and won’t come down.

*****

That Lenny is a fast learner!

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Pet Fish and The Game Warden

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take ’em home. We do this every night.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey,” said the warden. “Fish can’t do that!”

“No, really! says the man. “Here, I’ll show you.” And he releases the fish in the lake.

“Well, I’ve GOT to see this!” the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man asked.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden huffs.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?”

*****

Hahaha!  Must be smarter than suspect, Grasshopper!

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Note

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. after a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote:

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”

*****

This just cracked me up!  😀

Have a great weekend and an awesome Valentine’s Day!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

New Stamps

A guy goes into the post office and asks the clerk for some new holiday stamps.

The clerk behind the counter asks, “Which denomination?”

The guy thinks for a minute, then says, “Give me 5 Jewish, 2 Lutheran, and 7 Catholic.”

*****

You know, I might have answered in the same way, lol.

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

The husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

*****

This one always makes me chuckle!

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Day in Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court …

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

***

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

***

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

***

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

***

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

*****

That last one!  I like to imagine the lawyer’s face!  😀

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

*****

LOL  Sometimes I wonder if she got a ticker for confessing to speeding.  😉

Have a lovely weekend!

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