Posted in Personal

March 18, 2020

I had a dream that he popped out of the kids’ closet, kind of like for a scare-cam.  He was doing like a “jazz hands” kind of move and making a silly face so that I’d be laughing too hard to be mad at him.  This was one of his typical moves, in real life, to make me laugh when he’d scare-cam me.  In the dream, I gasped as soon as I saw him, and threw my arms around him, and then I woke up.

I told the kids the other day that I bet he was planning on doing some kind of scare-cam thing for when I got to Heaven, and I wouldn’t put it past him to do just that, try to make me think he didn’t make it there and then jump out at me. 

Then I had another dream in which we were having this conversation about being introverts.  The conversation happened some time ago in real life, but replaying it in the dream made me kind of laugh again.  We’d been talking about how the Lord is all about people, the body of Christ, reaching out to and ministering to others.  He said once, “Heaven is going to suck!  It’s all about how extroverted can you be and I’m not!  I’m going to hate it, I just know it!”

I replied, “What, do you think you’re going to get your own private cloud or something?”

“That’s what I want!” he said in a bit of a pout, “My own private cloud.”

I told him, “Well, I think there’s a verse in there where Y’shua said there were many mansions and if He’s preparing a place for you, He knows how introverted you are, I mean, He did make you after all, so I wouldn’t worry too much about peopling or clouds.  I’m just sayin’.”

He retorted, “With my luck, I’ll get the dorm mansion.”

He always had to have a comeback, that man!

In the dream, he floated past me on his own private cloud and called out, “We DO get our own space, Babe!”  He gave me a victory fist pump  gesture and I laughed.  That’s where I woke up.

A couple weeks ago, I dozed off at my desk, and had a dream that he came over and was tickling me to make me laugh. 

We put a lot of stock in dreams, my husband and I.  As to whether or not my current ones have any meaning, I’m not going there.  I will just say I’m so happy to see him again, even if it’s only in dreams right now.

~Vanessa

Posted in Personal, Relationships

February 29, 2020

There’s a YouTube Channel I watch sometimes.  It’s a channel on the MBTI personalities, and the guy who runs it often does these little comedy sketches to illustrate the different personalities and how they might react in a certain situation. 

His most recent video popped up in my feed as I was looking for something to distract myself.  I absolutely lost it, laughing out loud at the INFJ representation.  [https://youtu.be/kVDBy8sRDnE?t=69] I said almost the same thing in a conversation with a friend of mine recently.  I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for my husband to not need me anymore. 

My husband needed me.  A lot.  Not that he was helpless or ill or anything like that.  It was that I spoiled the snot out of him and he lapped it up and wanted more.  I saw to it that the only thing he did when he was not working was nothing.  I asked no chores of him, made no demands on him. 

It’s not that he wasn’t willing, oh no!  Nearly every day, “Is there something you need me to do for you, Babe?” 

Nearly every day I’d answer, “Nope, I’m good, Love!  Just relax.” 

My view on it was that he did the external contribution to our family by working and bringing home the paycheck, and I contributed internally to our family, by doing all the household stuff.  It worked well for us.

I also washed and ironed his work clothes, made his lunch for work, prepared the coffee the night before so the timer would start the pot fresh for him in the mornings, and got his coffee cup and lunch ready for him to pick up as he walked out the door, and gave him a monthly haircut so he wouldn’t have to go to the salon. 

Sometimes I’d give him a “hard time,” while laughing, and say, “You are so flipping spoiled!  You have NO idea how good you’ve got it!”  To which he’d reply, “I am spoiled!  Totally!  And I DO know it, because I know I’d be totally lost without you.  Are you kidding?  I can’t take care of myself as well as you take care of me.  Thank you, for everything you do.” 

Welp!  Take the wind out of my sails.  That man! 

From the start, we practically lived inside each other’s heads, finishing sentences, picking up moods.  Once we figured out the Aspie, he turned to me to help him navigate “how normals do things.”  I was his First Reader and he bounced every story idea he had off me. 

I adored how passionate he got about things.  I loved his brilliance, his humor, his laughter, his silly voice skits.  I loved how he needed me, almost as much as I needed him.

And now that he’s no longer here for me to take care of, I feel lost and clueless, without focus and anchor.   I said to my friend the other day that widow-brain is a thousand times worse than pregnancy-brain.  She laughed and said, “Honey, that is the truth!”  She lost her husband about 18 mos ago and knew exactly what I meant.

I am now part of a very special club.  Maybe they’ll need me.

~Vanessa

Posted in Personal

Rest in Peace, My Beloved

I don’t even know how to begin to tell you.  I have news.  It is not good. 

My husband, https://endanegered.wordpress.com/, passed away in the wee hours this morning.  It looks like probably a heart attack but I won’t know for sure until I hear back from the coroner. 

The kids and I are trying to process.  They went to bed shortly after we got back from the hospital, and really, I need to go to bed, too, but … yeah.

Please pray for us.

So please be patient with me while I try to process this.  Not sure when I’ll be online.  Thank you for understanding.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince.  And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

~Vanessa

Posted in Personal

Chewing the Fat

Have you ever had a January start out so rough that it felt like the whole year was doomed?

I’ve kind of had a January like that. 

I think I’ve spent more time in bed trying to recover than I’ve spent doing anything else.  If it hasn’t been one thing, it’s been another.

Thankfully, I’ve had my blog on auto-pilot and had some posts already up, but I do have a lot to catch up on in the blogosphere.

One tiny bright spot though, I did manage to finish rendering my bacon fat.  Now, that may not seem like much to you, but  you reach for any silver lining you can find sometimes and it’s nice to check a box on my “done” list, so I’m claiming it.  🙂

There’s nothing like a plate of eggs cooked in bacon butter to make a body feel better. 

And how has your 2020 been so far?

Love, Vanessa

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Posted in Marriage, Personal

Happy Anniversary!

We did it!  We’re finally legal! 

Okay, that’s a joke, because we’ve been legally married from the start, but today, our marriage has reached it’s 21st Anniversary.  🙂

That is often hard for me to believe.  Some days, it feels like we’ve only been together for a few months. 

Happy Anniversary, Beloved!  You’re still my guy.  xoxox  ❤  I love you!

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Thankful

It’s hard when people you love are going through a difficult time. And this isn’t about me, but I’m fair to bursting with relief and gratitude.

My very dear friend (30+ years dear) was diagnosed earlier this year with Stage 4 stomach cancer, and given 6-12 mos life expectancy. She has been going through chemo, and still has about 3 mos to go, but today her doctor called her with some results.

The biopsies are negative. The chemo is working.

Good news is really nice. 🙂 xoxox ❤