Posted in Personal, Relationships

February 29, 2020

There’s a YouTube Channel I watch sometimes.  It’s a channel on the MBTI personalities, and the guy who runs it often does these little comedy sketches to illustrate the different personalities and how they might react in a certain situation. 

His most recent video popped up in my feed as I was looking for something to distract myself.  I absolutely lost it, laughing out loud at the INFJ representation.  [https://youtu.be/kVDBy8sRDnE?t=69] I said almost the same thing in a conversation with a friend of mine recently.  I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for my husband to not need me anymore. 

My husband needed me.  A lot.  Not that he was helpless or ill or anything like that.  It was that I spoiled the snot out of him and he lapped it up and wanted more.  I saw to it that the only thing he did when he was not working was nothing.  I asked no chores of him, made no demands on him. 

It’s not that he wasn’t willing, oh no!  Nearly every day, “Is there something you need me to do for you, Babe?” 

Nearly every day I’d answer, “Nope, I’m good, Love!  Just relax.” 

My view on it was that he did the external contribution to our family by working and bringing home the paycheck, and I contributed internally to our family, by doing all the household stuff.  It worked well for us.

I also washed and ironed his work clothes, made his lunch for work, prepared the coffee the night before so the timer would start the pot fresh for him in the mornings, and got his coffee cup and lunch ready for him to pick up as he walked out the door, and gave him a monthly haircut so he wouldn’t have to go to the salon. 

Sometimes I’d give him a “hard time,” while laughing, and say, “You are so flipping spoiled!  You have NO idea how good you’ve got it!”  To which he’d reply, “I am spoiled!  Totally!  And I DO know it, because I know I’d be totally lost without you.  Are you kidding?  I can’t take care of myself as well as you take care of me.  Thank you, for everything you do.” 

Welp!  Take the wind out of my sails.  That man! 

From the start, we practically lived inside each other’s heads, finishing sentences, picking up moods.  Once we figured out the Aspie, he turned to me to help him navigate “how normals do things.”  I was his First Reader and he bounced every story idea he had off me. 

I adored how passionate he got about things.  I loved his brilliance, his humor, his laughter, his silly voice skits.  I loved how he needed me, almost as much as I needed him.

And now that he’s no longer here for me to take care of, I feel lost and clueless, without focus and anchor.   I said to my friend the other day that widow-brain is a thousand times worse than pregnancy-brain.  She laughed and said, “Honey, that is the truth!”  She lost her husband about 18 mos ago and knew exactly what I meant.

I am now part of a very special club.  Maybe they’ll need me.

~Vanessa

Posted in Family Life, Marriage, Personal, Relationships

Happy Anniversary

124392-Happy-Anniversary

FYIEW

Posted in Personal, Relationships, Sorrow

Happy Birthday, Brother

Time heals all wounds, they say. 

October is always kind of difficult for me now, although some years are worse than others.  It took me a bit to figure out why this one seemed a little more difficult than years past, and then I remembered, this year is the 25th year. 

Ah.  Yes.  A “milestone.”  That explains why it’s so much more on my mind than … normal. 

But really, it’s not normal to remember your brother is dead.   None of us should have dead brothers, or sisters …

Death is a part of life only because we can’t escape it, but if we could, we sure as hell would.  Grief sucks.  And as a believer, I know death was never part of God’s plan. 

The whole month is draped in its own mourning cloth that has nothing to do with Halloween.  I got the news on the 1st – although he’d been dead several days by that point but he’d only just then been discovered.  His birthday was the 25th, and the memorial service was on the 30th, but I couldn’t go.  I couldn’t afford plane tickets and my ex … well.  Let’s just say my ex’s behavior regarding my brother’s death is part of the reason he’s an ex, and leave it at that.

I don’t write this looking for sympathy, because I’m not.  I’m not comfortable with that.  I’ve come to a place where I don’t share too many personal things on the blog anymore.  A sort of contracting, I suppose, a pulling-in, circling the wagons.  I’m not even exactly sure why I am sharing this now, although I do feel this sense that I need to honor my brother.  I need to wish him a Happy Birthday, even if God is the only One Who can pass the message along. 

He was so much older than me, starting high school when I was born, and embarrassed about his mother having a baby at his age.  He moved out when I was three, then eventually married and became a father himself.  We weren’t close – how could we be?  I figured he was just waiting for me to acquire some adult life under my belt so we could have more things in common.  I was so happy when he started calling me, and we spent quite a bit of time on the phone during that last year. 

Finally!  I thought we were finally saying “hello” to a great sibling relationship and that we would go forward as friends.

I didn’t realize he was saying goodbye.  Not until later.  Not until after.  He knew he was saying goodbye, he’d been planning it all along, and I confess, that makes me angry.  I am so kicking his ass when I see him again in Heaven.  After I hug him of course. 

I no longer believe that time heals all wounds.  I believe our grief muscles get stronger from use and so grief becomes a little easier to carry, but it never really goes away.  It’s always there.  Lurking.  Behind a picture, behind a memory, a smell, behind a certain date.  Sometimes you know it’s there, just waiting for you.  Other days it pulls a “scare cam” and then you can only cry out. 

Next year I’ll be ready.  Next year will be one of his milestone birthdays.  He didn’t have enough of those. 

Some days, I really miss my brother.

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Relationships

In An Introvert’s Head

I found this article …

Dear Extroverts,

We love your energy and excitement. But as introverts, we sometimes feel misunderstood. We wish you could visualize what’s going on inside our brains—you might be surprised! Here are six illustrations of what it’s like to be in our heads.

Sincerely,

Introverts

6 Illustrations That Show What It’s Like In An Introvert’s Head

 

Some of the images felt really spot-on, like this one:
56c630021500002a000b0528

I kind of laughed, because I’ve heard this a lot in my life, and each time I have, I wanted to reply, “What do you mean ‘quiet’?  There are so many conversations going on in here I can’t keep track of them all!”  It’s a virtual cacophony, lol. 

That’s part of the blessing, and the curse, of blogging.  There are so many conversations going on internally, that you never run out of things to say.  That’s a blessing, because it’s hard to be bored that way.  The curse is trying to decide which thing to focus on and write about. 

Anyway, you might get a kick out of the article.  You can read it here: 6 Illustrations That Show What It’s Like In An Introvert’s Head

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Personal, Relationships, Thankfulness

Thankfulness

It is past time for a Thursday Thankfulness post!  I seem to have slacked off on this over the Summer, and slacking on gratitude is never a good thing.

This month I am so grateful for the chance to visit with my step-brother.  Now, we were never officially steps, but our parents dated when we were young and we thought we were going to be steps, and just kind of stayed that way in our friendship even though our respective parents went their separate ways.

Since we live in different parts of the country now, and have only seen each other a handful of times in the last few decades, being able to visit was a rare treat.  He was only able to stay for the weekend, but how nice to just hang out!  We even got to stay up late once talking like when we were young and would chat away for hours on the phone.  Open-mouthed smile

He is one of those few people in my life who have been faithful and loyal, so much more than those with whom I’ve shared DNA.  We may not be related, but we are family, and for that, I am grateful beyond measure.

What are you thankful for this month?

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Relationships

Longest Married

Another drafts folder find!  I was going to post this last year when I first saw it, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle.  I think it’s so awesome that a couple has been married for 8 decades.  Can you imagine over 80 years with your sweetheart?What a blessing for them! 

Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Betar!

Connecticut Couple Honored as 'Longest Married' in U.S. (ABC News)

Connecticut Couple Honored as ‘Longest Married’ in U.S. (ABC News)

A Connecticut couple who tied the knot over 80 years ago will be named the longest married couple in the U.S.

John and Ann Betar of Fairfield, Conn., said “I do” on Nov. 25, 1932, and have been happily married for 80 years. Together they have five children, 14 grandchildren and 16 great-grandchildren.

Connecticut Couple Honored as ‘Longest Married’ in U.S. | ABC News Blogs – Yahoo!

Posted in Marriage, Relationships

For the Guys

This video just cracked me up! 

I don’t know what it is about women that makes us act this way.  I’m sure I’m guilty, although I try like the dickens to be a fixer.  I have long believed that when women need to complain about something, they need to call a girlfriend and do it, because she’ll understand that you just need to vent.  But if you try to talk to your man about it, he’ll want to fix it.  That’s how he shows his love, he takes care of things for you.

I used to have a girlfriend I could call up and say, “Hold your ears,” and then scream.  She’d come back with, “Oh I hate those days!”  She got it. 

You can’t do that with a guy.  He’ll ask what’s wrong, what happened, what can he do.  He doesn’t want to hear you scream.  He’d be perfectly content if you simply told him, “I had a gripe session with Jane today, and I feel lots better.  She says hi, by the way.”  You’re happy, he’s happy, it’s a win-win!

As for the video, I just about lost it when she said, “And all my sweaters are snagged!” 

Funny stuff!  Enjoy!

All rights reserved by Vanessence