Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

*****

Ooh, bad husband!  Bad!  lol

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Murphy the Spy

The CIA lost track of it’s operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ”

The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ”

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.”

The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street. ”

*****

The bartender always knows everything!

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

And the Sign Said…

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…

Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so.):
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)

*****

Hahaha!  Grammar failures often make for good funnies!  😀

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

– Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

– Life is sexually transmitted.

– Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

– Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months maybe years.

– Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

– All of us could take a lesson from weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

– Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.

*****

Be that as it may, I’m still glad I’m not getting any older at all.  😉  😀

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately..

1. I couldn’t concentrate in the Orange Juice factory.

2. I wasn’t Suited to be a Taylor.

3. The Muffler Factory was just Exhausting.

4. I couldn’t Cut it as a Barber.

5. I didn’t have the Patience to be a Doctor.

6. The Paper shop Folded.

7. The Pool maintenance was too Draining.

8. I got Fired from the Cannon factory.

9. And I just didn’t see any Future as a Historian.

*****

Oh the punny!  lol 

Have an epic weekend!

Can you believe next weekend is February already?! 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Cowboy Advice

* Keep your fences horse-high, pig-tight & bull-strong.

* Keep skunks & bankers & lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Don’t corner something that would normally run from you.

* It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about is never gonna happen anyway.

* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* Sometimes you get, & sometimes you get got.

* Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, & a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

*****

Ha!  Some of the wisest people around happen to be cowboys.  😀

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Weather or Not?

It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.

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How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainier, it’s going to rain.

If not, it already is.

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Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because then the children have to play inside.

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Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?

Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

===

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.

*****

Stay dry out there!

Have a pleasant weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Hangin’

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande.

The idea was that when each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight.  They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would y’all tighten that noose a little bit? I can’t swim!”

*****

Silly cowboy! 

Have a fun weekend!

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