Posted in Jokes, Funnies, Laughing

Funnies

Pentecostal Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
“Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. “Now find Psalm 23,” he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”
“I haven’t tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. “HEEL!” the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor’s forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “Good Lord! He’s Pentecostal!!!”

*****

Well, as long as he’s something, I suppose.  I mean, it is Easter weekend, after all.  😉

Have a blessed weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Morning Joy

Renee and Daniel have been married for over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good night’s sleep. As usual, Daniel reaches over and takes her hand in his.
“Don’t touch me,” says Renee.
“Why not, my dear?” replies a shocked Daniel.
“Because,” says Renee, “I’m dead.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” says Daniel, “We’re both lying here in bed together and we’re talking to one another. How can you be dead?”
“But I am, Daniel,” says Renee, “I’m definitely dead. I’m sure of it.”
“So what makes you think you’re dead?” asks Daniel.
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

*****

I can relate to this a little too well!  Every morning, let the pain begin!  If nothing hurt when I woke up, I’d probably think I was dead, too, lol.

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Wife’s Favorite Flour

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?” 

*****

Ha!  Got to give a man credit for trying!  lol

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

New Jersey Hunters

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

“The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ‘Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’”

*****

I guess it’s good to be sure.  o_O

Have a great weekend!

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Funnies

Babes in the Woods

Back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist. Since there was not electricity the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high to I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s another one to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.

The new papa scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”

*****

Yes.  The light.  I’m sure that’s it!  lol

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

All In The Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.

Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

*****

It’s great to have wealthy relatives, isn’t it?  😉

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A Woman and a Frog

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay.’

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, ‘You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to’.

The woman replied, ‘That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, ‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

*****

Ha!  When I first heard this joke, it was about a woman and her ex, which might be more funny.  😀

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer pondered for a moment and replied, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquired, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer smiled and replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

*****

*snort*  I think we’ve all known people like this at some point!  lol

Have a wonderful weekend!

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