Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Headache Cure

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for a long time with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches, with this piercing pain and…”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I also suffered from that same type of headache for many years. Here’s how I cured it: Every day I would ask my wife to give me a neck massage. This would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the man is back.

“Well, how do you feel?”

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment, I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a great house.”

*****

Hahaha!  Okay, I should have seen that one coming!  lol

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Great Truths Children Have Learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always Catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

*****

Okay, #2 made me laugh out loud!

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A New Suit

A newly elected senator decided to get a tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:

“Didn’t you tell me you were a senator?”

The young man answered:

“Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said:

“Who ever heard of a politician with his hands in his own pockets?”

*****

*guffaw*

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Organic, or Inorganic?

Pete and Harry were talking one day. “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden,” said Pete.

“So were you able to find some?” Harry asked.

“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'”

“The gardener answered: ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.'”

*****

That gardener knows how to keep his hands clean!  😉

Have a gorgeous weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Bridge

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

“Rufus!” Clarence would shout, “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim, er I’d swim this river and whup you!”

“Clarence!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim, er I’d swim this river and whup YOU!”

Every morning. Every day. For 20 years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But the insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.

Finally, Mr. Rufus’ wife had had enough.

“Rufus!” she squallered one day, “I can’t take no more! Every day for 25 years you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, thar’s the bridge! Have at it!”

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence!”

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.

“Rufus!” cried the missus. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!”

“I was, woman, I was!” he whispered.

“What in tarnation is the matter?”

“Well,” whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said ‘Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.’ He ain’t never looked that big from the other side of the river!”

*****

Yeah, nothing ever looks that big from the other side of the river!

Have a lovely weekend!

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