The Lawyer And The Angel
After dying suddenly at the age of 46, Jack the lawyer was greeted by an angel at the gates of Heaven.
“We’ve been waiting for you for a long time,” the angel said.
“What do you mean?” Jack replied. “I’m 46, right in the prime of my life, far too young to die.”
“You’re not 46, you’re 85,” said the angel.
“If you think I’m 85 then you definitely have the wrong guy. I can even show you my birth certificate,” Jack said.
The angel told Jack to wait while he went and checked some records. After a few minutes the angel returned and said, “By our records you are 85. I’ve checked all the hours you’ve billed your clients and you definitely have to be 85!”
Ha! Yep, those billable hours finally came back to bite him!
Have a great weekend!
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So They created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
Sounds about right! 😉
Have a lovely weekend!
Snow Plow Advice
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the young lady got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Hey, that snowplow driver has to go home sometime, right? 😉
Have an awesome weekend!
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
“Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. “Now find Psalm 23,” he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”
“I haven’t tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. “HEEL!” the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor’s forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “Good Lord! He’s Pentecostal!!!”
Well, as long as he’s something, I suppose. I mean, it is Easter weekend, after all. 😉
Have a blessed weekend!
Renee and Daniel have been married for over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good night’s sleep. As usual, Daniel reaches over and takes her hand in his.
“Don’t touch me,” says Renee.
“Why not, my dear?” replies a shocked Daniel.
“Because,” says Renee, “I’m dead.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” says Daniel, “We’re both lying here in bed together and we’re talking to one another. How can you be dead?”
“But I am, Daniel,” says Renee, “I’m definitely dead. I’m sure of it.”
“So what makes you think you’re dead?” asks Daniel.
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
I can relate to this a little too well! Every morning, let the pain begin! If nothing hurt when I woke up, I’d probably think I was dead, too, lol.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Wife’s Favorite Flour
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
Ha! Got to give a man credit for trying! lol
Have a lovely weekend!
New Jersey Hunters
“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’
“The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ‘Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’”
I guess it’s good to be sure.
Have a great weekend!
Babes in the Woods
Back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist. Since there was not electricity the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high to I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s another one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.
The new papa scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Yes. The light. I’m sure that’s it! lol
Have a lovely weekend!