Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Tongue Tied

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.

“Try pulling out on the tongue.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

*****

Okay, this one just cracked me up!

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Optimist Farmer and the Pessimist Neighbor

One day the sun was shinning brightly and the optimist said, “Great day, eh?”

The pessimist said, “The stupid sun will burn the crops.”

The next day it rained. Again the optimist tried to engage his friend, but the pessimist’s only response was: “Stinking rain will wash out all the seed!”

So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved.

After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back.

The optimist exclaimed “Did you see that?”

The pessimist replied, “Dog can’t swim, eh?”

*****

Ha!  Some people are just never happy! 

Have a great, optimistic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The dream

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”

*****

*snort*  Apparently Moshe doesn’t mind carbs.  😉

Have an epic weekend! 

 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Three Senior Pals

Three seniors are out for a stroll.

One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”

Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”

The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

==========

The Best Way to Garden

“The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes.  And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.”

–  Texas Bix Bender, Don’t Throw in the Trowel

=======

*****

Hahahaha!  I can certainly identify with that last one!  Sounds like the perfect way to garden!  lol

Have an awesome weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

No Health Insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”

asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

*****

Now how can you argue with that?  😉

Have a great weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Church Bloopers

“The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.”

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

– The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

– Evening massage – 6 p.m.

– The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

– Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers.

– The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

– The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

– During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

– Due to the healing evangelist’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

– Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

– Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

– The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

– Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

*****

Oh I do love me some bloopers! 
Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The 10 Commandments

This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked. “Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, “What’s a commandment?” “Well,” said God, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.” The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, “How much?” God said, “They’re free.”

The Jews said, “Great! We’ll take TEN!”

*****

Hey, a bargain’s a bargain!  😀

Have a wonderful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A Gift for His Wife

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, “I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?”
The man smiled and kissed his wife. “You’ll know tonight,” he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.

*****

*snort*  Yeah, I wonder what’s going to happen to that man next time he falls asleep?  😉

Have a lovely weekend!

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