Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

*****

LOL  Sometimes I wonder if she got a ticker for confessing to speeding.  😉

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Chicago Snow

One weekend, a couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow! Please move your car to the even numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!”

So the wife goes out and moves her car.

The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, “We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow! Please move your car to the odd numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!”

So the wife goes out and moves her car.

The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, “We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow! Please move your car to the-“

And suddenly the power went out. The wife said to her husband, “I didn’t hear which side of the street to move the car to. Do you know which side of the street I should move the car to?”

And her husband nicely suggested to her,  “Honey, why don’t you leave the car in the garage this time?”

*****

What a novel idea!  Cars in garages!  Whodathunk?!  😉

Notice how no one ever questions the foot of snow every weekend in this story?

Have a wonderful, snow-free, weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Not A Dinner Question

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

*****

I don’t know, I can think of a lot worse things to discuss at dinner besides bugs.  Which is why we don’t discuss them!  lol

Have a lovely weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

No Tantrums Please

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

*****

Sometimes, you just have to establish some ground rules.  😉

Have a joyful weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now….

*****

I hope that’s beer-battered fried chicken!  Yum!

Have a tasty weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A Woman’s Place

Lesley Stahl did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old customs.

Ms. Stahl approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”

The woman looked Ms. Stahl straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

No matter what language you speak or where you go the moral of the story is: BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.

*****

*snort*  Okay, I was not expecting that answer! 

Have an epic weekend!

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Why Not?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, Peter asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?”

“What? No, of course not,” says his father.

“Why not?” asks Peter again.

Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.”

*****

Makes sense to me!  lol

Have a stunning weekend! 

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Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Duck and Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve  grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck thanks him and leaves.

To the bartender’s surprise the following day the duck returned. The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says “no.”

“Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?

*****

LOL!  Now that’s a smart duck! 

Have a great weekend! 

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