Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Weather or Not?

It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.

===

How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainier, it’s going to rain.

If not, it already is.

===

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because then the children have to play inside.

===

Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?

Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

===

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.

*****

Stay dry out there!

Have a pleasant weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

The Hangin’

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande.

The idea was that when each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight.  They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would y’all tighten that noose a little bit? I can’t swim!”

*****

Silly cowboy! 

Have a fun weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

What has caused it?

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

*****

That’s what I call putting your foot in it!

Have a lovely weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

That’ll Be Fine

A recent transplant to the mountains of North Carolina writes: The folks around these parts have a peculiarity that drives me nutty. You ask them an “either/or” question, and their answer is– “That’ll be fine!”

I asked a lady the other night who was coming through my register at Wal-Mart, “Ma’am, would you like your milk in a bag or not?”

“That’ll be fine,” was her reply.

I looked quizzically at her, and asked, “Does that mean ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

“I said that that’ll be fine,” was her answer. Since I was holding it up in my hand, out of a bag, I decided to assume that “that” in this case meant “that naked jug of milk that you’re holding in your hand, not in a bag.”

This feeling was further reinforced by a slight nod of the head towards the jug just as she said the word “that’ll.” I set the jug in the buggy without putting it in a sack.

“I said I wanted it in a bag,” she complained. “You want me to shout it or write it down for you?

“That’ll be fine!” I replied.

*****

Hahahaha!

Have a fine weekend!  😀

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A Second Opinion

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.”

*****

Now that’s one smart bartender!  I just shoved a bunch of boxes under my bed.  No room for anyone to hide under there!

Have a wonderful weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Assertiveness Training

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” his wife replied.

*****

*snort* 

Have a great weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

Kids Answer Questions About Moms

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work; dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller; stronger, but moms have all the real power because that’s who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

*****

Ha!  I shudder to think of what my kids might have said to these questions when they were little!

Have a great weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence

Posted in Funnies, Jokes, Laughing

Funnies

A Woman, a Beach, a Bottle and a Genie

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”

“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”

“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

“And your second wish?”

“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”

The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

*****

I first heard this one many years ago, and it still cracks me up!

Have an epic weekend!

All rights reserved by Vanessence