Funnies

The Things Kids Say

1. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2. On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3. A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of its glass jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it.

‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now,’ she said. ‘She’s hitting the bottle.’

4. It was the end of my shift and I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

5. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my rounds. She was always fascinated by people’s canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

    One day I saw her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

6. Walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a shoebox, lined it with tissue, then dug a hole to dispose of the deceased.

    The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers. With all the dignity he could muster, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

7. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

8. A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

*****

Kids are the funniest of all! 

Have an amazing weekend!